The sweet (and gloomy) feeling of having nothing to lose

Sometimes a dream takes you somewhere you wouldn’t have expected. This is a story of a girl who was deeply moved by her saddest dream ever.

She can do what she wants. Until a few days ago, she was still working full time so that one day, she could retire and spend her final days in peace and harmony. What a dream. But she never wanted that, did she. Looks like life took care of it for her. This very morning she went to her office and handed off her resignation letter. Now she is free of any engagement. She can do everything she ever wanted to do, planning for the future doesn’t mean anything to her anymore.

Right now she is diving in euphoria. She has so many things she wants to do. But so little time. She is sitting on the grass in a downtown park, reading a book she’s been months on since it’s pretty boring but she doesn’t want to give it up until she reaches the end. And she’s expecting him.

[…]

Sitting next to her, he realises her light and cheery attitude is fading away. She didn’t tell him why she was such in a good mood, but he now knows everything she plans to do, and he is not sure if he should support her no questions asked. She starts shivering.

[…]

She said it. It is weird to say it out loud. “It’s only when you say it that it becomes real”. She doesn’t know where she heard that but it doesn’t matter. She starts crying. Her head falls heavy on his shoulder. The pain outweighs the euphoria. It is still there, inside of her, hidden behind a mountain of sadness. The sadness will erode, she knows it. But right now, she has to take it in, feel every part of it. Only after she accepts her inescapable fate will she be able to live her short life to the fullest.

[…]

She opens her eyes, They’re wet from the tears she shed during the night. She doesn’t move. Just lying there, she tries to understand what has just happened, and why this dream felt so real. Her first reaction is to regret she isn’t really living that dream. She wished she could have a good reason to leave her work and do whatever she wants. She knows it is a sad story that would end in a dramatic way, but she’d rather have that than an eventless life of struggling and being tired all the time.

[…]

She takes her breakfast, but it’s difficult. She has to go through the motion. Her livelihood depends on it. But it’s hard. Still she drinks her apple juice and gets ready for the day.

[…]

It’s the middle of the afternoon. She was too tired to go on with her work, so she sat on the living room sofa and started strumming chords on her guitar. The dream is still in her head. She realises it’s the first time a feeling from a dream sticks with her for such a long time, but she doesn’t know how to process it.

[…]

Several days have passed. She is playing her guitar absentmindedly while watching a film. The credits are rolling. She is lying on the sofa with the guitar laid her chest, and her eyes are stuck on the screen.

She sits up, put some stupid but funny show on the TV. Then she opens the laptop on the coffee table and starts writing this piece.